Be true to yourself or be a servant?

The message to "follow your heart" surrounds us...how does that cliché help us have an awesome marriage?

Have you ever seen one of those rom-coms where the leading lady has a dilemma about which guy fawning over her is the one she truly desires? You know those movies...the ones where she has to figure out how to follow her heart and surely it will lead her to unending bliss? Sure, it’s good entertainment, yet not usually a source of good advice. 

Hollywood tells us, “Be true to yourself!” This is a grossly misleading command. My “self” can be pretty darn narcissistic. That’s not what God says to do. God says deny yourself, serve others, even lay down your life for others. If our goal is to please God and obey His Word, then sometimes we have to go against our feelings. We have to act opposite of how we feel. 

This is especially true in marriage. I generally feel like I want to be right. But being kind is better than being right. I regularly feel like airing my frustrations using a nasty tone and ugly words. But speaking politely is better than hurting my hubby’s feelings. Doing the thing I don’t want to do for the benefit of my spouse is better than my own self-comfort. 

This idea has played out in different circumstances in my marriage. As we approach our 20th year together, I look back to see all the little choices which added up to a large sum of either great trust or deep hurt. Most of our disagreements that led to the latter were topics that were of no long-term consequence, and I should have been the one to deny myself, my feelings. 

Let me give some examples. I have found that letting my husband brush our daughter’s hair “wrong”, aka, his way, is not a big deal. Neither is wrestling with our sons when I’d rather have the house quiet. Also, simply saying, “Thank you!” for a lovely gift rather than, “Why did you buy that! We don’t have extra money just laying around for you to squander on some stupid present I didn’t even want!” Ouch. 

When I place priority on my marriage relationship, everything else shifts into position. I have seen how loving him well, the way I know he perceives love, is better than showing love in the way I perceive it. In my world, that means watching the movies he enjoys, going to baseball games with him, and listening to him talk about his (nerdy, ahem) interests. It means wearing the skirt he likes even though I think it makes my butt look big(ger). It means sacrificing my wants for his needs, allowing him to love me in his way without resistance despite the awkwardness I might feel, answering his phone calls, letting him buy gifts for the kids, and empathizing with him when he’s had a let-down at work or lost a buddy or a pet or a grandparent. 

What do all these tiny sacrifices matter? Are they really worth throwing away a good marriage because I wanted to yell, or I wanted my daughter’s hair in a ponytail instead of down, or I wanted to eat soup instead of tacos? In light of eternity and in the next 30 years of marriage, I can do it his way! It’s ok. It will be fine. If I make mountains out of molehills, there will be damage and pain, and it’s not worth it. 

This doesn’t mean I’m a doormat! This means I am making small choices about small things each day that show my husband I care deeply about him. This is not about him bulldozing me over for every decision. It’s about being teammates, life partners, co-laborers, friends, and lovers. Friends and teammates and lovers do not take advantage of one another. They work together toward a common goal. Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful example of the Gospel. There will be disagreements and hard times, and it’s not always easy. Still, serving one another miraculously breathes life into the relationship. Let go of the Hollywood ideals of being true to yourself and trust that God’s way is best. Being a servant to your husband IS the way to become your truest self - the person God says you are. You and your spouse will become one another’s biggest fans.

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