Choice Within God's Boundaries Part 2

We want our children to choose blessings, but sometimes they don't.

A good parent gives their child choice when it comes to discipline. Let me explain. For example, you say, “Molly, hang up your coat, please.” And Molly responds with, “No.” At that point, most moms start to feel a little heat in their face and the temptation is to raise her voice and loudly say, “I told you to hang up your coat and you better do it now!” What if then Molly runs away or yells back and you’ve begun to engage in a battle of wills? Mom is even more upset and yells too or gives up and lets Molly get away with everything. Anyone ever been there? Maybe it’s just me.

But here is what I have found works instead. If Molly says “no” after hearing the instruction, I try my darndest to remain calm and dignified. I speak in a tender voice, without any evidence of anger, and say, “Dear child (Molly in this case, even though I don’t actually have a child with that name), I’m giving you a choice. You can either hang up your coat properly right now or take the consequence.” Now Molly has a choice and can exercise her free will. This is not the same as me saying, “I will knock you into next week!” or “I will spank you until you hang up your coat!” That is depriving Molly of her choice and is not effective. If Molly refuses to hang up her coat and chooses the consequence, so be it. I administer it without being severe and I certainly do not deliver the consequence in anger. Our relationship has stayed intact and we move forward with our lives, repeating the process for the next incident that may arise.

Now, Molly might choose the same again tomorrow. She may feel that leaving her coat on the floor is worth the consequence. You see, the goal isn’t really that the coat is hung up. The goal is to train Molly to choose what is right. The day will come when I won’t be there. All through life, Molly ought to know what the consequences are for her choices. Disciplining a child when they’re young should always be associated with a choice they make. It’s a penalty for choosing wrongly. It is never about a parent taking out their frustrations on the child. That may just provoke the child to anger (Ephesians 6:4). Discipline is done with the utmost of love, care, and concern for the child’s future welfare.

A person’s will is what commands their affections and desires. If our will is strong, we choose what is right. If our will is weak, we choose poorly or what is easiest or follows our whims. Children will constantly choose what they want, regardless of it being right or wrong, if they remain untrained. As parents, it is our responsibility to coach and prepare our kids to bend their will to the requirements of their duty. The will is a child’s skill in choosing between two channels of operation.

Deuteronomy 30:15-18 says, “See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.”

God has established that every person has free will. He did not create us as robots to do what He outlines and we have no say. Not at all! He allows us to choose and to take the consequences. We may act for or against his good pleasure but the rewards and punishments are disclosed beforehand: blessings or curses.

Children need to learn how to choose to do things they don’t want to do simply because it is right. No one is always doing that which he prefers. Adults have to do many things they don’t want to do. Mothers especially are naturally inclined to giving in to the child’s wishes because we are tender and weak. There I said it. Moms are weak! I’m weak. My will is weak. I want my kids to be happy and I want to indulge their feelings. We are seeing this in our culture now when children are being allowed to choose their gender before they are allowed to choose their bedtime. This is setting a dangerous precedent.

Children need the help of parents in gaining control over their will. The cravings of the outer man are unceasingly attempting to gain control over the inner man. Help your children learn to master their body, their appetite, and their emotions. A self-controlled kid is more secure and happier and better prepared for his future. Many adults miss out on attaining what they really want in life because of a lack of self-control, which could have easily been improved upon had his parents understood this deficiency and been faithful accordingly when the child was young.

I have learned that rewarding and indulging will cause a child to continue all the more down the path of doing what they want, when they want, with no concern of right or wrong. It’s hard though, Mama! Nothing that is worth doing is easy. And whatever is worth doing is worth the cost.