Communication with Connection

Being very clear is key and makes children feel they're valued.

Riding in the minivan one afternoon, my two younger boys were sitting next to each other quietly listening to the music playing on the radio. All of a sudden, Zane started yelling at Gabe, “Stop doing that!” Apparently, Gabe had no idea what he was being told to stop doing. He continued the annoying behavior until his little brother slugged him. Then, of course, there were tears, the “innocent” party feeling victimized. The offender felt very much that he was the victim because the first brother had continued the annoying behavior after being asked repeatedly to quit. Boys, well, my boys in particular, tend to be quite dramatic.  The real problem was there was no clear communication. Zane should have been very specific and said, “Please stop squeezing that tennis ball with the slice in it to make it look like it's singing along with the radio. That is bothering me.” I realize the mature adults who are reading this anecdote will think that is a ridiculous reason to punch your brother but clearly this was quite an audacious action on the older brother’s part. (Insert eye roll). But instead, Zane just said, “Stop that.” Gabe, as the older brother, must have considered other many options. Stop looking at him? Stop swinging my leg? Stop Breathing?  As I tried to explain this idea of being extremely clear, my little son said, “Oh, Mommy! It’s like when you tell me to clean up. I don’t know what that means. But when you’re specific and tell me to put my Legos in the drawer, I understand. I like it better when you’re very clear.”  Bingo! What a revelation. We appreciate when others are clear with us too. For example, “Please come over to my house for dinner Saturday night,” rather than, “We should totally get together sometime.” Or, “I need you to do the dishes,” rather than, “Why do you never help out around the house?!”  When we are unclear in our communication, we end up resenting the other party for...for what exactly? For not reading our mind. :)  Communication is all about connection. When we connect with the other person, we communicate better. This begins when the other person feels valued. You can find out how they feel valued by listening carefully to them.  My kids’ favorite time to talk to me is when I’m doing some serious hard thinking, usually about what I’m researching or writing. This is the magic time they see me still and sitting down so they say to themselves, “This is obviously a great time to tell Mom my deepest secrets.” And mostly I absentmindedly say, “Uh-huh,” when, in all actuality, I have no clue what they just uttered.  They can’t truly have felt heard in that moment. They know when I’m really hearing them and when I’m not. It’s the same for us when we want our children to hear us. We have to remove distractions. Giving them instructions while they’re in front of the TV is pointless. Eye contact is golden. And it will save us from resenting them later when they inevitably don’t do what we asked.  How about inviting your child to have input? Discover their strengths and allow them to contribute to the household in that arena. For example, one of my kids LOVES the garden. He wants to be involved in every aspect of it from planning to planting seeds, to watering and weeding to harvest. He is disappointed if I do any of that without him, and he’s good at it. Letting him be an integral part of tending to the home garden communicates to him how much he is valued. My oldest recently became interested in weightlifting and healthy eating. He now wants to be part of the meal planning process for the family. He’s good at thinking ahead about what we’re going to eat. Allowing him to have a say in the planning, shopping, and cooking communicates to him how much he is valued. We can also connect emotionally with our kids through what isn’t being said verbally. Sometimes one of my children will climb into my lap for a big hug and some snuggles. Maybe they’re feeling a bit sad and just need some reassurance. Sometimes a toddler will scream and act naughty but what they’re really communicating is that they need a boundary set or a nap or some dinner. As another example, when mom scowls at her kids, that body language is saying disapproval. Alternatively, when mom smiles at the children, they read her facial expression as warmth and acceptance - yet mom hasn't said a word. We all can become more effective communicators. It takes knowing what you actually want to happen and being clear about it. It also means remaining humble. It’s often easy to assume you know what the other person knows or feels or wants, especially our kids. If you are confident yet authentic, your communication will become clearer and more effective and you’ll find connection with your loved ones easier and deeper than ever.