Communication With Our Kids

Techniques for Talking and Listening Well

The kids were playing Hide-and-Seek. Six-year old Zane was the Seeker, but after shouting, “Ready or not, here I come!” he decided to make a pit stop in the bathroom. The others were hiding for so long, they each thought they were awesome at choosing hiding spots, and, therefore, was the winner. But the Seeker was sitting on the toilet the whole time. It was funny, a bit frustrating to the Hiders, and a great example of failure to communicate.

I am fascinated by the topic of communication, and I see great value in learning more. Understanding others and being clearly understood is important to me. I received a college degree in Communications. I was a performer. I’ve read many books on this subject. I used sign language with my babies before they were verbal. I observe both sufficient and subpar methods of communication wherever I can. The desire to be understood, especially by those we love most, is a vital part of the human experience.

The Bible has plenty to say about communication too. It talks about being quick to listen but slow to speak, choosing words carefully and saying them at the proper time. It encourages us to speak pleasant words with grace and insight, and always be ready to give an answer. Sounds nice, but those actions are often easier said than done.

Communication is simply an interchange of thoughts, opinions, and information. How can we do this well with our children?

When we as the mom want to communicate something to our child, time and again it is to make them know we are right or they must obey without question. Of course there is a time and place for that, but that’s not always the goal. It’s important for our kids, and this becomes even more critical with teens, to have a safe place with us in which they can thrive, open up, be themselves, be heard, and be connected. Connection should be our goal. Often our kids feel less connected after a talk with us because we didn’t really allow for free flowing communication. We just preached. After a conversation with mom, kids should feel hopeful and redeemed, not as if they barely survived another lecture. (Proverbs 10:19)

Proverbs 25:28 says, “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” Communication through yelling means you have let go of your restraint. It makes you a peer, not a parent. It can repeatedly seem as though they only listen when you yell. That is because you trained them to do that. If you don’t take action until you yell, they will learn not to listen until your face is beet red and there is steam coming out of your ears. Moms do this all the time, myself included. What we are communicating to them is that they don’t have to obey mom because she is the authority. We are communicating that they only have to obey angry people. Good communication does not require raising your voice. You are not in charge because you are mad. You are in charge because you are mom. Convey to your children when and how you are going to act while maintaining your dignity. They will learn it well.

We use words, but they are not the only way, nor are they the most powerful way we communicate. Our bodies have a language that speaks volumes. We communicate anger and frustration with crossed arms, pointed fingers, clenched fist, or hands on hips. Be aware of your body language.

We communicate with our eyes by looking down at our phone while we scream out instructions. Our eyes can communicate scorn, dislike, or annoyance by piercing stares, raised eyebrows, or eye-rolling.

We communicate with our tone of voice. Our words might be ok, but the way in which we are saying those words may reveal irritation or displeasure.

We communicate with our time. We are willing to spend hours with friends, work, or hobbies, but time spent playing with or reading to our kids is of lesser priority. Rushing our children also communicates a lack of value.

We communicate with where we spend our money (this makes a big statement about what you value). Kids don’t need you to buy them stuff all the time, but it’s worth paying attention to what you’re communicating with your wallet.

An effective communicator understands their audience. Get to know your children and what inspires them. Telling your teen he isn’t motivated doesn’t motivate him. It can push him deeper into a mode that says “there’s something wrong with me”. It’s usually NOT lots of words fired in rapid succession that will propel kids into improvement. (Proverbs 12:18) More than likely, it will be your kindness that helps create a secure environment for each family member to thrive. (Proverbs 16:21)

Listening to our kids is the other half of the communication equation. It’s a big deal to make eye contact when they’re sharing with us. There are so many occasions where I’m cooking or looking down at my task and the kid talking to me will assert, “Are you even listening to me?” They love when I pause and turn to look in their face. It shows I value the conversation.

If I interrupt, talk over them, finish their sentences, or change the subject, some of my kids will shut down. I've learned it’s ok to let them spill their guts without correcting their grammar or vocabulary. And it's definitely not ok to text or look at my phone while they’re talking.

It’s essential that I stay present. Staring into space in a catatonic state is not listening. It’s disengaged. If they’re obviously hurting, perhaps there are tears, and I sit and act as if nothing is happening, perhaps because of exhaustion, I’m disengaged. They respond far more openly if I lean in, put my arm around them, show some compassion, ask questions to help clarify the point, nod my head, say, “uh-huh,” or something that lets them know I’m engaged.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” If a child is mad at you, it is not the time to make your point. They’re not listening when they’re angry. It’s time to de-escalate. Don’t develop your defensive response while they’re talking. Keep your heart humble and just listen. Remember, the goal, when they leave the conversation, is to feel connected. Let them share their thoughts and feelings without judgement. Sometimes a child might tell you something like, “Jimmy is so mean and stupid and his face is ugly!” Those are his thoughts about Jimmy in the moment. But what he’s feeling is rejection because Jimmy didn’t pick him to be on his team for kickball (or whatever). He’s feeling an emotion he doesn’t have words for. We’ve experienced this as adults too. Someone may say something that makes you feel rejected, and you react, but you haven’t actually acknowledged that you feel the emotion of rejection. We have to get in touch with what’s happening in our child’s soul so that we can empathize with them, and then give them the skills for how to manage themselves when they feel rejected, or whatever the emotion may be.

Being a good listener means projecting respect. It means you are listening to your child with your whole heart and not just from the head. Kids are not always eloquent and may not get the words exactly right especially if there is emotion behind it. A child saying, “I hate you!” may just mean, “I’m desperate.” Learn to read between the lines, so to speak. Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” A dialogue is where we interact to come to an understanding. It’s not for mom to make her point and the kid must listen. It is foolish for us as moms to only want to reveal our own mind and show no value for what the child thinks about it.

There is still so much more to communication conversation. But I’ll end this one here for today. I encourage you to search the Proverbs for more on how to communicate well with others. God knew what He was doing when He revealed His wisdom to the authors!