Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparison doesn't serve you or your family or any of your relationships

By any chance, do you ever compare yourself to others? We may find ourselves in a perpetual game of she’s better/nicer/richer/happier than me.

We feel inferior so we pretend. We are good at it too. We want others to look at us and think a certain way about us like, “Oh, she’s so organized!” Or, “Wow! How does she get it all done?” Or, “She’s so pretty and fit; I wish I could be that way.”

Unfortunately, it is likely that the pretty and fit mom may be struggling with a secret, and she is privately comparing herself to someone else. Maybe she’s a yeller and she throws things in anger and can’t stop. She secretly hides behind closed doors and cries, wishing she could be more like the neighbor. We pretend in order to try to manipulate what someone thinks about us. We act a certain way to control their response. And it’s exhausting.

Here’s the deal: none of us are perfect. No one. We all have flaws, quirks, and things about ourselves we wish we could change. It’s common to feel that way - but it isn’t normal.

When I say it isn’t normal, what I mean is that we were never intended to live in such a state of self-condemnation. Originally, God intended for us, the pinnacle of His creation, to live in paradise, a state of perfection and joy and peace, taking walks in the cool of the evening, enjoying nutritious and delicious fresh foods. Instead we find ourselves screaming at our families to hurry up, stop fighting, finish your homework, and we are stressed and want to escape.

Can we return to the original, intended state?

Years ago, a woman I met randomly at a park advised me to relax as a mother. She said that when the kids are little, we really need to get good at enjoying them. She said to let go of the imaginary standards and not be concerned about what other people think. She advocated for taking the time to be in nature, cook good food, read good books, play, be creative, and be myself.

I never caught her name but that conversation literally changed my life. I was such a tightly wound ball of frustration as a young mom. I wanted my kids to wear the cute clothes I couldn’t afford. I wanted them to behave perfectly, to read early, be ahead of their peers developmentally, and to not need me so much...all because I was comparing myself and what I was achieving in my mothering, to other moms. I didn’t know that relaxing and enjoying life with little ones was so close within my reach.

After my mind was blown by that older mom’s simple words, I began to read God’s word with a different perspective and it changed how I operated. Instead of thinking of the Bible as a list of do’s and don’ts, I viewed it as a love letter. I began to see that there was something so amazing there that people were willing to die for it. It was living in Jesus’ Kingdom and enjoying life with Him.

I sat down more. On the floor. I gave more hugs and smiles. Now, I’m not necessarily one of those to say leave the dishes and play with your kids. I need those dishes clean, for crying out loud! Instead, I learned to invite them to help or be near me and chat while I was cleaning up.

But I did let go of many things. I stopped worrying so much. I started having adventures that were my own. I let the kids see me having fun as a grown-up. After all, I didn’t want them to dread reaching adulthood!

I started thinking maybe God created me to be this height and this weight for a reason and I needed to stop wishing I were shorter and skinnier with better fashion sense.

I stopped signing my kids up for a bunch of classes and activities. Instead we spent long hours walking along the beach and then we’d go home where they’d look at books and color while I made homemade soup and bread rather than swinging through the drive-thru after gymnastics and we were all cranky and starving.

These things helped me significantly. However, I realize not every family is going to operate the same way. I always expect that slowing down and relieving busy-ness will help every woman, but that’s not actually the main answer. The answer to the question “can we get back to the original intended state?’ is not necessarily to slow down and make more home-cooked meals. It’s living in the right Kingdom. We are born into an earthly kingdom as babies. Then we can be reborn into God’s kingdom. Living in that Kingdom is where the intended state can be found.

I’m talking about a life lived under the authority of the King. His commands are not nice suggestions we should consider. They are to be obeyed. His priorities become our priorities, but it’s all done because we are compelled by His great love for us.

When we live in the Kingdom, we will be known by the fruit we bear. Each person is recognized by their own fruit. You will not be known by your best friend’s fruit, not by your neighbor’s fruit, but your own. That parable found in Luke 6 takes away the need for comparison because it doesn’t matter! You are only responsible for your stuff, your budget, your children, your marriage, your household, your sphere of influence, and it doesn’t matter how other people are managing theirs.

If you are looking for a victorious life, free yourself from the trap of comparison by obeying God’s word and living by His principles because He loves you.

For me, the slowing down and letting go was believing and obeying three specific Biblical principles:

1) that He has a purpose for my life (Romans 8:28)

2) I live under His authority and I needed to take the time to bring my children under my authority (Acts 5:29), and

3) to use the resources He has given me wisely (1 Peter 4:10).

Your experience in the Kingdom May look different than mine. Your comparisons are probably not the same as mine but I’m praying that you will be free today and enjoy the life you have been given, as God originally intended.