Marriage School

A joyful and healthy marriage doesn't just happen without time, attention, and lots of learning.

I love being married!

I know that God would have watched out for me if I didn’t get married, but I’m glad He decided to give Bob and me to each other.

Our marriage is strong and healthy. It has been thirty-nine years in the making. Some better years, some worse. Some richer years, some poorer.

As we sat together over morning coffee recently, I had this thought, “Today is the first day of the rest of our marriage!” It made me think about how we got this far. Here is my (short) list of things I’ve learned on the way to the rest of our marriage.

Live to give, not to get.

Trust me, giving is better. Give your best self; give your time; give your kind words; give encouragement; give love; give with all you’ve got. The more you give to your spouse and your marriage, the more God fills you up with more to give! There are those days when that sneaky little thought – But, what about me? – wants some attention. Don’t worry, God is already thinking about you. He knows what you want, what you need, and He delights to provide it. And guess what – if both of you are living giving, then both of you are getting the getting!

Make forgiveness a habit.

Forgiveness is a serious matter. Forgiving is not always easy, but it is possible. First, learn all you can from the scriptures about forgiveness. Then, practice it daily, hourly, if necessary. Don’t wait for something big. Forgive the annoying things. Forgive the forgetting things. Forgive the “You lost your keys again?” things. Strive to make forgiveness your best habit. And, if it has not been a habit, start today and do some heart house cleaning. Ask for help if you need it. Forgiving brings healing, freedom and peace into our lives and marriages. It’s a habit you will never regret developing.

Fight nice.

There will be conflict. There will be disagreement. There may be anger and frustration. Okay, but still, be nice. You can say what you need to say and still be polite and kind. Engaging in nice, healthy conflict will help you listen better, improve your self-control, produce a more humble attitude and create workable solutions that will strengthen your marriage. Yes, it is uncomfortable. Yes, it is unavoidable. I promise you, if you fight nice, when it is over, you will love your spouse even more.

Cultivate enjoyment.

I know, you are two individual people with differing interests and that is great! But you can learn to enjoy, like, relish, delight in and appreciate sharing just about any activity if you have learned to enjoy, like, relish, delight in and appreciate your spouse. Look closely at this marvel that God created. He thought about every detail of who He made this person to be. That makes your spouse a pretty big deal. Look for ways to be creative, be fun, find things to laugh about, relish each other, appreciate your differences. Make moments meaningful. Enjoy!

Be second place champions.

On our thirtieth anniversary we had a vow-renewal ceremony. My speech started out by telling Bob I was so glad that I am #2 in his life. He didn’t say it, but he could have said the same about me. Before each other, before anything else in life, God is first. So many times I have been so glad that I could lean on that faith when my own was faltering. Together, with our spouses, we are a double-barreled ministry. We each have our own voice, but together we are a loud Bam! Pow! message. Sometimes, just being there, being strong together, is the message. Don’t settle for trying to be #1. You will always be a winner in second place.

So, we are still in marriage school. We promised to stay until “death do us part”. I guess on that day we will receive our degree. Until that time, I hope you will join me in my plan to study hard and leap over that finish line with a grand flourish and a satisfied heart.

---