The Joy Bond

Would your kids describe you as grumpy or happy? The perception our kids have of us may matter more than you think.

Savoring the quiet in the optometrist’s waiting room, I glanced up from my magazine to check on my 10 year old. He was playing on his DS, patiently waiting for his name to be called for the exam. Satisfied that he was relaxed and not at all concerned about the impending appointment, I began to return to reading when something caught my eye. Could it be? No! My darling child was wearing a flip-flop on his right foot and a sneaker over the sock-covered left. How could he have left the house wearing such different footwear? What was he thinking? Was he embarrassed? Was he even aware? 

I was perturbed. My initial response was to scold him for not paying closer attention. I could have easily huffed, rolled my eyes, shook my finger, and let him know what a lowdown person he is for doing something careless. Thankfully, I paused. Before I made a big deal out of it and sucked all the joy out of the air, a smile snuck onto my face. It was actually kind of funny. I giggled quietly and my son looked at me, confused. I pointed out his footwear and he also giggled. Soon we were laughing out loud! Onlookers gave us the side-eye so we had to settle down but for a moment we shared a bond, good-naturedly enjoying his error. 

What good would it have done to be upset? He picked out new frames, I paid the man, and we enjoyed the rest of our day together. I enjoyed him more than he enjoyed me. Never once did I mention that the shoe situation irritated me. I just reminded him to pay careful attention next time. 

“Our kids must be attracted to us. They will sniff out, run to, and attempt to be like the person who most attracts them...Children can see through hypocrisy and insincerity. Yet joy is attractive!”

I’m not saying I am not going to teach my kids the value of wearing a pair of shoes that match. Nor does this example mean we let them get away with things that they shouldn’t. I’m simply choosing to choose joy as much as possible. Children are full of life. They bring joy and gladness to a world of serious adults. 

Sometimes I operate with attitudes of drudgery, frustration, and exhaustion, but I do not believe this is what God intended for mothers! He intended for us to enjoy our kids. God created us for His pleasure. Not in a way that is selfish, but to be in a relationship that is enjoyable for both parties! It makes sense then that we enter into parenthood with the desire to enjoy our children. 

When I became a mother, my purpose in life grew to include raising up beautiful sons and daughters of God. My own relationship as a daughter to God the Father is a model for my children’s relationship with me. This is a great privilege and responsibility! He draws me to Himself. He is the kind of God I can freely give my heart to because of His kindness. He draws me to Himself. 

I have been God’s girl for 22 years now. Since the beginning, I have been under His care and watchful eye. He keeps me from harm and He has the best intentions for me. I can trust Him with my very soul.

 That is what children need their parents to be for them. Can their precious souls be entrusted to your hands? Are their fears calmed because of your goodness towards them? Are you kind to your children? Do you draw them to yourself? 

Our kids must be attracted to us. They will sniff out, run to, and attempt to be like the person who most attracts them and, unfortunately, we are not the only ones vying for their attention and allegiance! Children can see through hypocrisy and insincerity. Yet joy is attractive! Beautiful Mama, you must be REAL and truly joyful. 

A child’s whole world is his family. Parents set the tone. Kids have no recourse, no escape, no one else to turn to. It’s you, Mama! You are his reality, his primary relationship in the early years. An adult without good relationships at home may still be able to enjoy a successful career or hobbies, but a small child who is constantly demeaned, yelled at, or ignored will be emotionally unstable and feel acutely helpless. 

If children are not jubilant and gung ho to be a part of life, then something is noticeably amiss. Raising up awesome kids requires bonding with them by making memories of time well-spent together. If most of our interaction with our children conveys our irritation and dissatisfaction at the way they behave, we will create separation and discord between us and them!

How is this accomplished? Well, it’s simple, but it isn’t easy! When there is work to be done, work together. When there is fun to be had, have fun together! Smile at them, delight in them, look into their eyes when they talk to you. Let them be who they are. Let them teach you facts you didn’t know, marvel at their creativity. Revel in their imaginative play, invest your energy and resources into them. Communicate with them, show them what you’re doing and talk about it, engage them in activities. Let them hold the mop, splash in the dishwater next to you, chop vegetables for the stew, pull weeds, fold laundry, and scrub toilets alongside you. Then take a break and jump in the pool or play a board game together!

This lifestyle can be physically tiring for the mom but is actually emotionally and spiritually energizing. It is immensely important! This is discipleship! You cannot disciple them if you are not with them, spending time, showing, modeling, teaching, walking alongside, coaching, encouraging, laughing. Teach them integrity and to work hard, all the while enjoying them. This is where you are doing moral and behavior training as well as giving them the perspective that you are someone to be trusted, obeyed, and enjoyed. Joy should be the foundation of the meaningful relationship between mother and child. 

Now let me be clear - I am not talking about being your child’s friend, or that you should relate to them as a peer, or give them the opportunity to direct your actions. We as parents are to be obeyed, and we instill in our children a fear of consequences, but if we are to have any real sway or influence in their lives, we need to be the person that we want them to become. A child who adores his mama will want to please her. It is bewildering for a child to be antagonistic towards their best buddy. If you reward and praise the positive behavior you wish to see by smiling into your child’s face, speaking kind and genuine words, and giving of your time, there will be far less unsatisfactory negative behavior. 

Most of my joylessness with my kids was caused by lack of training. Before I understood the value of disciplining them, joy was inconceivable. I was bitter - the opposite of joy. Parenting in bitterness will leave scars on the souls of little ones. I was often frustrated, and easily became angry. My kids were frustrated by a lack of leadership and they became angry. I had to learn to embrace my authority with dignity and joy. Establishing consistent authority made everyone feel fulfilled rather than frustrated, and joy returned! When my young ones perceived they were part of a strong family team, the anger softened, then vanished. Moms can’t nurture without joy! If the joy of the Lord is our strength, then our joy is our little child’s strength until he comes into his own relationship with Christ. 

Be encouraged, dear friend. As Jesus fills your heart with unexplainable joy that only comes from Him, and you reflect that amazing gift onto your children, your household will become a haven from the world - a place where relationships are restored and you and your children can walk together in the light of God’s love - even if someone is wearing mismatched shoes. 

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