There is only one perfect parent

Children's free will keeps mamas from being able to curate the perfect kid

As a young mother, I was emotionally taxed and full of problems. Parenting felt so hard. I’ve heard others say, “Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever do.” I agree that it’s difficult, but if billions of people have been parents over the course of thousands of years, it certainly can’t be THAT problematic.

In the early years of my motherhood, I was distraught constantly. Despite being exhausted, I often couldn't sleep at night because I was anxious, guilt-ridden, and unable to turn off my brain. I kept wondering if that was truly the way God designed my role as a mother to be. I was consumed and had no time for hobbies or friendships or even laundry. I was busy being the "perfect" mother while hiding my distress.

I once asked my husband’s great Aunt Ina if she ever got tired as a mom. She quickly and matter-of-factly answered, “No,” and gave me a puzzled glance. She worked as a cook and cafeteria manager at a private school, taught Sunday School, taught Saturday Bible camps, kept an immaculate house, attended parties, visited shut-ins, enjoyed crafts and hobbies, always dressed to the nines, doted on her husband, all while raising three children, and didn’t get tired?!? I figured she was lying.

She went on to say, “Raising children was just part of what I did in my life, and I enjoyed every minute of it.” Her casual attitude struck me. I mean, did Aunt Ina even love her kids? Of course, she did! She simply didn’t turn them into an idol, which was precisely what I had done.

Every time my two-year old son hit me, screamed, or threw a tantrum, I thought it was my fault. I tried to figure out what I had done to upset him! I contemplated, “There must be some attitude I am projecting that is causing him to act this way!” I concluded I was the cause of his bad behavior. Maybe he wasn’t happy because we didn’t live in the right area, or I took too much time for myself, or he had some neurological issue?

But guess what I learned? The cause of bad behavior is free will. Even God, who is the best, most wonderful parent who ever lived or will ever exist in the future, had His first two kids act on their free will to make a major mistake, the effects of which have carried thousands of years into the future! It definitely was not God’s fault the first humans made the choices they did.

We’ve all heard the stories of disadvantaged children, raised in the poorest and most dysfunctional conditions, who grew up to be amazing and do incredible things. The reverse is true as well. There are numerous reports of the brightest kids from the wealthiest and healthiest families who grew up to do terrible and despicable things.

I took my child to multiple counselors and therapists and sought advice from at least 5 professionals for myself. Nothing helped. I was told it was my responses that caused my son to act out. The therapists were partially correct. My response made a difference, just not in the way they (and I) thought. When I responded in fear and/or tried to do everything within my power to make my child happy, he acted horribly. When I responded with confidence and disinterest in his cries for justice, and applied consequences, he became a happier kid.

We adults are free to choose whether or not we obey God. Choices result in consequences. Obeying God brings a positive consequence. Disobeying God brings a negative consequence. It’s difficult to believe that a loving God could bring pain upon us. I thought punishing my child would prompt psychological damage. Why was that my assumption? After all, I was spanked as a child, and was very well-behaved AND turned out awesome! *wink-wink* Early on, I was not spanking my kid or doling out any sort of punishment, for that matter, and he was quite impudent.

As a devoted believer, I often tried to observe how God treats me as His child. What were the types of consequences I had received in my lifetime, both positive and negative? I recalled a period of time when I was in disobedience to God and coincidentally, problems seemed unending. But once I aligned myself with Him, many of those irritating problems straightened up.

I’ve been humiliated by my children, held back by my own pride, and had to come to a place of desperation where I turned my role as mother over to God. He changed everything. I began to faithfully study his Word as it pertains to child rearing, and He showed me the answers I needed. He brought me older moms and dads to mentor me and speak into my life. Jesus is the wonderful counselor I had been seeking.

We’ve all rebelled. We’ve all sinned and fallen short. It turns out my children are responsible for their own actions. I’m responsible for my sinful behavior. I didn’t see that my child’s tantrums were sin! As parents, we can help our kids learn to avoid sin when they are young so they will be more aware of it as they grow and can flee from it as adults.

There is no one method or formula to perfect parenting resulting in perfect kids outside of the Word of God and the Holy Spirit’s guidance. Our children will exercise their free will. But I have faith that the Holy Spirit will guide me as I raise my children. They’re really HIS children, over whom He has granted me stewardship for a short time. Please, Mama, reject the world’s ways and run to the One who knows what you and your children critically need - Jesus Christ, the only perfect parent.