Violent Acts

Are parents responsible for their children's behavior and choices?

Two news events are weighing heavily on my mind this week - 1) the report of 2 teen girls accused of car-jacking and killing an UberEats driver in Washington DC last month, and 2) the story of the teenage girl shot and killed by police as she lunged, holding a knife, toward another girl just a few days ago in Ohio.

I’m not even going to attempt to make political commentary or judgements on these cases. They are heartbreaking stories. I’ve just been thinking about these events from the perspective of a mom, wondering how a child can act with such malicious intent.

It seems the DC girls intended to steal a car, and in the video, they don’t appear to care much what happened to the vehicle’s owner. How can they not care? Why were they in such desperation to take the car? What was going through their minds moments before the incident?

Regarding the Ohio girl, the intent appeared to be to stab another girl. Why? What were they fighting about? How did she come to the place she felt she needed to wield a knife? Was she protecting herself or was she trying to get revenge?

We may never know the answers to these questions, but my heart hurts trying to put myself in their parents’ shoes. I would be asking myself if it was my fault. Did I go wrong somewhere along the line?

I think it’s common for many parents to analyze their own responsibility for their kids’ actions. We feel the weight of their choices, and sometimes we even put our identity in how they turn out. So, are we as parents responsible for our children’s actions? Since the Bible says to bring up your children in the training and instruction of the Lord, does that mean that if children behave in a way opposite of God’s instructions, that their mom or dad failed to properly train them up?

In some states, there is civil parent liability. This is the law that asserts parents are responsible for all malicious or willful property damage. In other words, moms and dads have to pick up the tab when their kids destroy something that belongs to someone else.

There are also laws that pertain to criminal parental liability. This means there are statutes that punish parents for not fulfilling their parental duty to keep their kids from breaking the law. The state will argue that a reasonably attentive parent should have known about the crimes their children were planning to commit.

That seems like a lot of pressure. Half the time I have no idea what is going on in my kids’ heads. They do crazy stuff for which I am not prepared. And I haven’t really ever heard about these kinds of parental liability laws being enforced. I don’t know the parental backstories of the aforementioned teen crimes. Nor do I know whether the parents of Adam Toledo, Dylan Klebold, or the 13-yr old girl charged in the fatal stabbing of another teen just 2 days ago in Cincinnati were reasonably attentive or not.

Several factors are usually cited to explain why a child kills or commits another violent crime. These factors include genetic inheritance, mental illness, abuse, abandonment, exposure to trauma or violence themselves, and the progressively venomous quality of modern society. However, I assume it is safe to say that Cain and Abel of the Bible never experienced any of the above components.

I have a theory that Cain and Abel had a history of anger and disagreement, and even perhaps favoritism. Murder doesn’t usually happen because of a single incident. But the Bible doesn’t tell us for certain.

Other savage Bible stories are about Abimelech, who killed his half-brothers, Absalom, who killed his half-brother, and David, who has Uriah murdered.

Here’s the deal: evil is available to anyone. The enemy prowls around, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8) Any young person is capable of making terrible choices and carrying out awful deeds. Atrocities performed are acts of evil. We know that humans are sinful. Without Jesus we are no good. God even warns Cain in advance...“sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” (Genesis 4:7). Each person is morally responsible for their own deeds.

In the Old Testament, Eli the Priest has two sons, also priests, who had no regard for the Lord. They were so wicked that God allowed them to be killed, and on the same day, Eli falls over dead. Eli didn’t die as punishment for the sins of his sons, he was punished for his own sin - the sin of neglecting to stop their sinful behavior.

This story speaks volumes to me about my duty. As parents we are not responsible to make sure our kids are always happy or that others constantly approve of them. We also don’t need to do for our children what they are capable of doing for themselves, nor do we control them. What I do know is that I have a responsibility to teach my own children right and wrong. We have to make the tough decisions and hold them accountable for their behavior. We set limits and provide consequences.

Moral development is a process. We are in this for the long game, Mama. Sometimes we hesitate to hold a child accountable because we know they’re not totally cognizant of the moral implications of their actions. But that doesn’t matter. They need to be trained. We cannot wait until they are old enough to understand the need for self-control before we cultivate it. Kids must be restrained, and parents must assume control and accountability for the moral development of their children. I can’t help but wonder if young men and women who violate the law are among those kids whose parents did not serve as their moral compass early on.

However, parental training, no matter how wonderful or consistent, doesn’t override sin. So what’s the point? Why do we work so hard at raising them right? We are making them ready for life. Strong parenting early in life can lessen the child’s enslavement to the flesh, and make it easier for them to repent when they do mess up or give into temptation. A self-willed spirit will eventually lead to sinful behavior. You can’t make your kids love the Lord, but you can weave right and wrong into their ripening consciences.

Children are quite perceptive. They know the difference between knowing about God, and really knowing God. Let them see you love God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind. Teach them to perform acts of goodness and serving, even if they don’t comprehend why. Let them see you display extravagant acts of service. Teach them gratitude and selflessness. There is no magic formula, of course, but their souls will appreciate the satisfaction of having their flesh refused.

And in the meantime, let’s pray for those young people whose lives are forever altered by their misdeeds. Let’s encourage one another to “not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)