What is Unconditional Love?

Using the role of wife to display love that exceeds expectations.

Over bad pizza and college homework, we celebrated our first year of marriage. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and I felt awful. We didn’t exactly argue that night but we weren’t really celebrating either. We were more just commemorating the occasion. Our first twelve months together taught us that being married was both difficult and exciting.

Eighteen years later, over medium steaks and house-made pickles, we were indeed celebrating. Every difficult moment we’ve shared together has brought us closer to maturity. And every exciting moment we’ve shared has brought us closer to one another.

Each woman operates differently in her role as a wife. I know a wife who is in charge of all vehicle maintenance for the family. She changes her own oil and everything! But I know other wives who have no idea where they would even begin with that task. Is that right or wrong? Neither. It’s simply a preference and each couple gets to decide how they want to divide responsibilities.

The way I operate as wife and mother is very different than anyone else’s way because women are all wired differently. Same with men. But there are principles we should all adopt to help us love each other well and please the Lord. First Corinthians 13 was recited at our wedding and we have come back to it repeatedly to remind ourselves that God expects sacrificial love to be a priority in the marriage. He cares about the love more than the roles.

Both parties in the marriage need opportunities to take distinct actions in areas that satisfies them and gives life to the family unit. The Bible teaches that man and woman are equal but different. We will have different ways of interacting with people, work methods, parenting, and, dare I say it, loading the dishwasher. And each has unique gifts and talents they bring to the family. These are God-given assets that should be used to serve and bring goodness and order and life and propel the couple forward, rather than used to please themselves.

For instance, I tend to be fearless about a lot of different things. I don’t mind traveling alone, I take on huge projects, and I like to figure things out without asking for help. My husband is someone who is great at navigation, projects, and helping. My gift of fearlessness became an issue when I refused to let my husband exercise his gifts. (That’s really just an act of pride.) It took a while but when I learned to ask for his direction, his input on projects, and have him help me in his way without me telling him he was doing it wrong (*wince*), his delight in me grew. Me showing him I needed him, even though I thought I didn’t need him, strengthened our love, and helped us have more fun together.

My husband is an inventor, a maker, a designer, ultra-creative, and an out of the box thinker. That translates to constant movement and mess. If I just harped on him about his whirlwind activity, I would miss out on the cool vanity he built in the bathroom, him becoming an entrepreneur, and all the clever ways he has made our lives better.

In those early years, I wasn’t sure what my role was. It wasn’t something we talked about, but we did both make assumptions. Each bewildered and resentful, we grew cold without stopping to try to understand the other person. We didn’t realize we weren’t loving each other the way God was calling us to love. Thankfully, the journey has taught us both how to give wholeheartedly, to wake up each morning with intention to bless the other that day, and to trust the advice of Scripture. But it took work. We went to lots of counseling. One pastor asked me, “Even if he never changes, will you stay?” I had to carefully consider the fact that my husband might always be the same person I was having such a tough time getting along with and whether I would remain faithful to him or not. He was thinking the same thing about me :)

However, over time, he did change. And guess what? So did I! Actually, I think it was me who changed more. Proverbs 31:11 (CEB) says, “Her husband entrusts his heart to her, and with her he will have all he needs. She brings him good and not trouble all the days of her life.” My husband wasn’t able to trust his heart with me early on. I gave it a good stomping. I brought trouble with my high expectations and judgements and refusal to see him use his gifts. I thank God for changing my heart!

My version of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 for marriage goes like this:

• Love is patient - even when you don’t want to take the time to listen to his latest idea.

• Love is kind - even when he’s been rude to you and what you want to do is get revenge.

• Love does not envy - especially when he comes home from an exceptionally long workweek and doesn’t have the energy to listen to my complaints about how rotten the kids were and how it’s lonely at home.

• Love does not boast - even when you would feel justified in saying, “I told you so”.

• Love is not proud - even when he has made a decision you do not agree with.

• Love does not dishonor others - even though you’ve been together a very long time and he’s already seen you at your worst.

• Love is not self-seeking - even when you don’t think it matters if he feels a bit rejected.

• Love is not easily angered - even when you’ve been dealing with crying babies, obstinate toddlers, and hormonal adolescents all day and you’re fried.

• Love keeps no record of wrongs - even when it seems he is against you or putting down your ideas.

• Love does not delight in evil - even when you’re mad and you think he deserves to have things go wrong for a while.

• Love rejoices in the truth - even when it would be easy to tell a little lie to get your way.

• Love always protects - even when you are disappointed.

• Love always trusts - even when he has messed up royally.

• Love always hopes - even if you’ve been let down frequently.

• Love always perseveres - even when you don’t think you can tolerate the pain and isolation one more day.

• Love never fails - even when circumstances seem hopeless.

So let your role as wife be this: a woman who abides in the love of God, obeys His commands, and lays down her life for her husband. Love with the kind of love that exceeds expectations. This is unconditional love.